Day 119: June 30, 2013

We have hit the two month milestone.  I like it when time ticks off to reach another milestone, and things around here, I hope are turning around. A huge burden will be lifted off my chest in a few days, when my parents are here for their visit.  I pray they are making the right decision in moving to Florida, I’m a little frightened for them, but in the same regards I am incredibly happy that their retirement dreams are coming true.  My mom and dad have never done anything outside of Minnesota or in the home they have owned for 43 years.  While I’m used to moving and to finding new adventures, they are not.  I hope they can settle down here, and enjoy their lives.  I want the first few weeks here to be relaxing as possible for them, as they transition into living in Florida.

Day 120: June 29, 2013

I found out something last night that just makes the depression from my mother-in-law being here for three weeks slightly worse.  In 2004, I made friends with our neighbors in Germany.  They were really kind people, or so I thought.  We were friends for years and years, until my son was diagnosed with autism.  I don’t really remember precisely what I said, but she got very upset with me, and told our neighbors and mutual friends that I had made up my son’s autism diagnosis.  We were no longer friends at that point, until a few months later she called up and apologized.  We were friends again.  Last year it happened again.  She and I had a political disagreement.  I apologized for being insensitive, but by that time it was too late, and she decided to “dump” me and blocked me from all communication with her.  I was hurt, but didn’t think much of it.  My husband e-mailed me yesterday and informed me that he had found out that her husband wasn’t promoted, and the list for promotion came out about the time they found he was not going to be promoted.  It breaks my heart that someone would decide to throw a friendship away out of immature jealousy.  At this point in time, I am very glad she is no longer in my life.  I don’t need that type of person, I’m so tired of toxic people.  I try not to give them any real estate in my life, but for some reason they still manage to dig their claws in.

Day 121: June 28, 2013

Numbers fascinate me, I love patterns in numbers.  Ironically, I’m horrible at math, though I do well in standardized math tests.  They seemed to make sense, though actual math classes didn’t.  I often saw the numbers and symbols incorrectly, and that’s why I failed most math courses I took.  My favorite pattern is time.  Did you know that there are 3600 seconds in an hour, and if you count down time on your fingers that each 10 minutes, the last number that’s not a zero, corresponds to the first number in 10s number in the minutes.  It’s kind of convoluted, but I’ll explain.  For example, in 60 minutes, there are 3600 seconds.  If you count down from 60, the number in the tens spot is 6, and the number in the hundreds spot on the number of seconds is 6.  If you continue to count down to 30 minutes, there are 1800 seconds in 30 minutes.  Since we humans don’t have 8 hands, hold up the number of fingers on your other hand that corresponds to the number 8, and you will find that you have 3 fingers.  Trust me it works.  This is how I get through the boredom of a very long run, especially one on the treadmill.  The pattern of multiples in time also intrigues me.

My parents finally narrowed down a timeframe for when they will arrive.  It will be on Tuesday.  I’m relieved that I have a few more days to get the house ready, but slightly panicked at the children’s playgroup I have scheduled for this Saturday.  It looks like there will be a 60-80% of storms today and tomorrow, and my plans for an outdoor pool party may be shot down as quickly as they were made.  On a positive note, if I schedule it for after the July 4th weekend, the number of people in attendance will be higher.

The Middle Part II

I transferred all of my posts from my journal onto my blog.  After completing this task, I realized I did it in the wrong order– whoops.  Anyway, here is today’s entry.  Hope you enjoy:

My opinions and mouth got me in trouble again today, but I think I make a valid point.  I have had two people in my life with chronic clinical depression.  Those two people have been extremely hurtful to me, and when they are hurtful, they use their depression as an excuse or crutch.  My former best friend, had said the most hateful awful things, and I forgave her, and let her back into my life, only to have her turn around and do it again.  My mother-in-law and I have had a tenuous relationship from the very beginning.  Every slight, every mean word, and every time she did something, she always used the excuse that she was in a depression.  Today I mentioned on Facebook that I learned that people who are depressed seem to be only satisfied if they bring everyone around them down with them.  In my experience it’s true.  After my mother-in-law’s visit and spending time with my friend, I would leave feeling empty, like they were Dementors in Harry Potter, sucking all the good feeling and light out of me.  My cousin took exception to my statement.

I tried to explain it to her, but I doubt she will see it from my perspective.  While, I respect the mental illness and I do think it’s a disease, I get really tired of hearing that the only casualties from this condition are the people who suffer from it.  No one seems to think about, or care about those that are left picking up the pieces.  We have to hyper sensitive as to not offend people with depression, yet they don’t really care if they offend us.  I compare it to having a stomachache.  When I get a stomachache I don’t go to a person I love, and punch them in the stomach every time I see them, until my stomachache goes away.  It is human nature when we feel badly to make everyone else around us feel badly, whether it is our intention or not.  When psychologists first diagnosed me with depression, I cried, because I didn’t want to be that person, who places my needs ahead of everyone else’s needs.  Everyone I know who has been diagnosed with depression only regards their own depression without caring what they do to others.  Later on, after trying many anti-depressants, the doctors determined I was no depressed that I just had inattentive ADHD and Aspergers.  I like those labels much better.  I feel badly about offending my cousin, in one sense, but I think I had to say what I said.  I have respect for an illness, but depression is contagious, and it does have casualties.

Day 122: June 27, 2013

The days are floating by at quite a pace now.  I was looking back at Facebook and realized that time is moving fluidly, and though sometimes it may seem slow, for the most part the days are counting down as quickly as they should.  I think things are moving faster now that there are things I’m looking forward to in the near future.  My parents are arriving in a few short days, probably Monday, but that’s still up in the air.  Shortly after they arrive, we are going to Disney World, and when we return from Disney World, school starts.  It’s already that time of year to sign up for sports.  Saturday is sign ups for soccer, though we won’t make it this Saturday to sign up, we will be there next weekend with bells on.  After the Fourth, it’s time to start getting ready for school.

            I have decided to wait until back to school to buy a new computer.  I noticed that most of the computers go on sale at that time, and I should be able to get one sometime in late-July, or early August.  I would like it before we leave for Disney, so that I can write while at Disney World.  I have thought of a few other small things I would like to buy in the coming weeks, and I also need to stock up on hurricane supplies.  I’m going to wait until next week to see what the forecast is.  Right now, they are predicting a category one developing in the gulf sometime next week, and I don’t want to go out and start getting supplies if that storm starts to develop.  I have enough supplies to get me through a few weeks without power, and if it’s anything near a category two, the kids and are heading north for a few days.

            Other than some simple plans, I am starting to get regenerated to work on projects again.  The storm cloud over our house the last few weeks, sapped all my energy and now I need to refocus and get re-energized to work on the yard and the house again.  I don’t want my house looking dumpy when my parents arrive this next weekend.  I’m also hosting an autism playgroup on Saturday, and want the house to look neat and pretty for my guests.  Life is starting to calm down a bit now, and maybe this Empress can get her groove back.

Day 123: June 26, 2013

I have learned many lessons the last three weeks.  Besides learning about the intricacies of being a good parent, and not being your child’s best friend, I learned a lot about human nature.  I learned that depression is a contagious disease.  It’s very hard to not fall into depression when everyone around you is depressed.  I learned that if you have an issue with something or someone in your life, instead of pretending that everything is OK, confront the issue or the person causing the issue.  Be upfront with people; don’t pretend that your relationships are perfect, when they are not.  Finally, I learned that I am more capable than I realized and I am much stronger than people give me credit for.  Even though there were a few times I nearly lost my temper, I kept it, and I didn’t explode.  It was difficult.  I have come to terms with my feelings towards the family I married into.  I know that you don’t realize this when you are first getting married, but when you marry a person you also marry their family. 

Day 124: June 25, 2013

The days are ticking by.  I have another week and another round of visitors will arrive.  This round of visitors will go better than the first round of visitors.  I have decided to start writing a domestic assistance book.  I think I’m going to write it for my daughter, but if I get it done early enough I will give a copy to my sister-in-law.  Over the last three weeks, I have heard about how easy it is to be a stay at home mom and wife, and how when you are at home, you are essentially lazy, and how you shouldn’t have to do anything while at home.  I want to turn that idea on its head.  Right now, I am being quite lazy, due to my circumstances, but in a few days my energy sucker will be leaving and I will be able to accomplish a few simple tasks.  I’m excited for my parents and brother to visit.  I only wish my brother’s stay would be a little bit longer.  Maybe he’ll change his mind once he sees the location, but I highly doubt it.  He is not much of a family person, and I often get the impression he doesn’t like me.

            I have ultimately washed my hands of his feelings towards me.  I used to feel badly, or guilty that he has a certain disdain for me, but then I learned some of the things that others have said about me.  He believes what people who don’t know me very well have said about me, and I figure that’s his problem instead of mine.  If wanted to know the truth, he could ask.  He would rather believe a truth that’s his own, and it’s not really my problem.