Day 172: May 8, 2013

One fact remains, and no matter, how you sugar coat it, romanticize it, or make excuses as to why it should be easy.  Deployments are hard.  My stress level is incredibly high.  I have irritable bowel syndrome and I am making myself sick to my stomach.  I have tried adjusting my diet.  I have given up just about everything I love to eat for fear that if I do eat the one thing that I love, I will end up binging on it.  I’m exhausted.  The house is unsettled, and I can’t sleep.  I tried watching a movie last night, I thought it was supposed to be a comedy; I think it was a comedy, but I ended up crying at the end.  It is very hard to have a positive outlook.  I keep just telling myself that I can do it, but my confidence is waning.  I don’t know how I’m going to handle the summer with kids at home.  I don’t know how I’m going to handle visits from family over the summer, or going back to Minnesota for a wedding, or even just getting through the weekend.  As much as I have a to do list, and a daily checklist, I’m not very successful at accomplishing those tasks.  Today, I just sat in front of the television- partially, because my budget is up for my task list, and partially out of complete apathy.

            Normally, I’m a shopper, but I have even run out of the will to shop.  There’s nothing I really want.  I suppose my pocket book appreciates my apathy, but I don’t.  I suppose there will be days like this.  Days were I wish this stupid, fucking thing was over, and my life will go on.  Time feels like it’s dragging right now.  I keep telling myself, if I can just get through this week, then I’ll have next week, and then the next week the month of May will almost be over, then in another week it will be June.  Once June starts, it’s a two-week visit and then a few days and my parents will be out, and there will be relief.

            I really wish I could convey to some of my non-military friends the difficulty of a deployment.  The decisions and the burdens I have that they obviously don’t.  For example, my son’s seizures, if my husband were not in the military, it would be very easy for me to put off the EEG and the sleep study until he got home in a few weeks from his Microsoft classes, or from his job flying for Delta.  It wouldn’t be that unreasonable to consult with him via a phone for minor decisions that need to be made as a couple.  It would be no problem for him to take time off of work for both the dental surgery on the 17th, and the EEG/sleep study the following week.  This is the sacrifice I make for freedom.  It’s not about me being sexually deprived; I am sexually deprived for everyone’s freedom.  It’s about me making major medical decisions regarding our child when my husband is across an ocean, and will not be home throughout the entire ordeal.  He just gets to hear about it on Skype, or via Facebook.  It sucks. 


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