Day 118: July 1, 2013

Another month is down, and we have about 3 1/2 to go.  I didn’t write much yesterday, because I was cleaning my house, preparing for my mom and dad to arrive.  It’s amazing how much your relationship changes from being cared for to providing care for your parents as you age.  I only hope that I am able to care for them as much as they have cared for me.  I don’t have the capacity to provide 100% care as they did, because of my son, but I can provide a certain level of care.  They leave tomorrow, with stop overs in Iowa and St. Louis, which makes little sense to me, as if they drove to St. Louis in one day, and then they could finish the majority of the travel the following day (it is 12 hours to here from St. Louis).  My brother is doing the most of the driving, and so they are at his mercy.

While they are at his mercy, I’m at the mercy of my feelings of mental instability.  Somedays I feel like I’m going crazy, and that I’m over-reacting to things that are innocent, but still others I wonder if I heard what I thought I heard.  I wish I could take back the last four weeks and start over, but I can’t.  I often wondered why my friend was diagnosed with depression during her husband’s last deployment, and now I know why.  It’s difficult when you have a neurological or mental disorder to be stable when you have your supports in place.  When your supports are not there, and you are expected to care for someone who is 100% reliant on you, questioning my sanity is the least of my concern.  If anyone is concerned– I am not suicidal, I am not hearing voices, I just don’t feel emotionally stable, and little things are making me angry, or emotional.

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