It Ain’t Easy Being Aspie

For the last 38 years, I have lived, breathed, and been an Aspie.  It’s not easy.  There are very few people who can tolerate my quirks enough to be counted as friends.  Sadly, I can actually count on one hand the number of friends I have had for years and years.  Most of the time, my quirks manage to alienate people, or people alienate me.  It’s kind of a sad existence if you think about it.  I’m naive in that I can’t read secondary meanings in people.  And I don’t have a verbal, or keyboarded, filter enough to understand when I say something offensive.  I don’t know if anyone realizes how much I hate this part of myself.  I don’t hate myself, I’m not depressed, and I guess I have too large of an ego to really give a crap if anyone likes me or hates me.  I can manage on my own.  I am actually better off by myself.  I prefer very few people to the company of myself.  The only people I really couldn’t live without are my husband, my kids, my mom, and my dog.  Every one else can slip in and out of my life with little, or no consequence.  I am sad about it internally, though not externally.

That’s the crux of having Aspergers.  You are aware of how much of a social retard you are, but there’s not much you can do about it.  I have made vows to change the way I am, especially the quirks that manage to alienate many people away from having a friendship with me, but I always fail.  I say, OK this time I will do better. I will be a better friend, but I cannot live up to the standards of being a good friendship.  I either come off as incredibly needy, cold, or as an opinionated bitch.  And no matter how people speak slow, and explain things in easy to grip terms, I still do not understand things.  It’s frustrating that I have lived like this for 38 years, and it’s even more frustrating that no matter what I do, I cannot not live like this.  I don’t want to be blunt, I don’t want to hurt people, but in the same respect, I want to be heard, I want people to value what I have to add to the conversation.  I feel like Kermit the Frog singing “It’s Not Easy Being Green.”  Why can’t I find friendship in someone who will do things for me, and I will do things for them, and we will accept each other despite our likeness or differences?  That’s all I want for Christmas.  

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