For the last 38 years, I have lived, breathed, and been an Aspie. It’s not easy. There are very few people who can tolerate my quirks enough to be counted as friends. Sadly, I can actually count on one hand the number of friends I have had for years and years. Most of the time, my quirks manage to alienate people, or people alienate me. It’s kind of a sad existence if you think about it. I’m naive in that I can’t read secondary meanings in people. And I don’t have a verbal, or keyboarded, filter enough to understand when I say something offensive. I don’t know if anyone realizes how much I hate this part of myself. I don’t hate myself, I’m not depressed, and I guess I have too large of an ego to really give a crap if anyone likes me or hates me. I can manage on my own. I am actually better off by myself. I prefer very few people to the company of myself. The only people I really couldn’t live without are my husband, my kids, my mom, and my dog. Every one else can slip in and out of my life with little, or no consequence. I am sad about it internally, though not externally.
That’s the crux of having Aspergers. You are aware of how much of a social retard you are, but there’s not much you can do about it. I have made vows to change the way I am, especially the quirks that manage to alienate many people away from having a friendship with me, but I always fail. I say, OK this time I will do better. I will be a better friend, but I cannot live up to the standards of being a good friendship. I either come off as incredibly needy, cold, or as an opinionated bitch. And no matter how people speak slow, and explain things in easy to grip terms, I still do not understand things. It’s frustrating that I have lived like this for 38 years, and it’s even more frustrating that no matter what I do, I cannot not live like this. I don’t want to be blunt, I don’t want to hurt people, but in the same respect, I want to be heard, I want people to value what I have to add to the conversation. I feel like Kermit the Frog singing “It’s Not Easy Being Green.” Why can’t I find friendship in someone who will do things for me, and I will do things for them, and we will accept each other despite our likeness or differences? That’s all I want for Christmas.